Prettyintelligentprincess

Checked the pc last night...after being at the pics trying to follow Michael Clayton...do not bother...really, I mean I consider myself an intelligent woman...but hell...it was hard to follow...
And there was a message from someone I had communicated with about a year ago...(from an adult...I want to get shagged site...)...asking if I was still around.
Well I answered and then he started texting...
So, this is what I mean about surreal....He only ever is dominant in bed, and never actually experiencing a man that way inclined..I am kind of curious about that...
but hey, I am obsessed and desperate for sexy G only right now...
But he asks me about gags and ropes and leather and spanking...and I feel myself get super turned on...He lives miles away and is very bossy which I know would drive me mad as I can be just a bit bossy too...I always remember him saying in a phone call last year...'I never let a woman on top...ever..' And I remeber thinking..I will hate you but I bet the sex would be fantastic and very exhausting!
So...he texts and texts..then starts bloody calling at 1 am!!! Again and again...Phone was on silent...

Stopped texting him and silence has reigned today..thank goodness....

And then...someone who I did meet up with last year...who was caring and kind...and happens to be the most prolific estate agent in the area!!! Yes surreal... I told you...has always texted me since we stopped the sex thing...almost a year ago I think ... and yes...the same site...weird as he turned out to be very very local!!!and married...but still in touch and has given me kind words of wisdom these past few days with the work situation...has just offered...in the last hour actually...to have lunch this week followed by...well you guessed it...If I wanted it...

G..where are you when I need you!!!!I have been sex starved for too long. Yes I know it is not two weeks yet but I think of his gorgeous cock insde me...all..the..time!!!!

So...Mr Estate Agent promises lunch and coffee on Thursday. I like him and could do with the chat. He is always so wise and always treats me with respect and accepts my wishes.But...I know what could happen...the sex was good...it was sexy and forbidden and passionate...and there were no emotional ties on my side..there were with him I think... but life is like that.
And he has been very kind and supportive and has listened to me in my darkest hours these past few days...

G is still off gallavanting in Europe somewhere...with the boys...and has been a serial adulterer since before his marriage...so why the hell am I even contemplating anything.

Strange isn't it...

I have no qualms about being unfaithful to a husband but actually have to think about doing the very same to a lover...

So this is what I mean about surreal...
My life...is it black and white, or technicolor?

Today, we went on a family trip to the woods and rivers in the countryside....
My son...almost four...talked non stop...I mean actually non stop from when he got in the car to falling asleep...well crashing out tonight....30 seconds...in bed and 30 seconds later he was gone! I timed him!
The thing is...we got lost.
A walk along the river, lovely.
Across the little bridge...lovely.
Up the hillside to the lane....lovely...
And then...where...
Okay, lets follow the lane...
No...too far away..okay then, look there is a public footpath...arrows to show the way...great...over the stile...the path disppears. No worries...just keep going straight...
No stile.
No gate.
Just a bloody fence...barbed wire..
Brooks, fields then ferns and holly and trees and leaves and more trees...
It was beautiful and for a few moments I managed to escape a little...
The dog chased a hare which I am sure was twice as big as she was...
Any wildlife would have vanished as we could be heard several miles away...
Thank god the kids had their wellies on!

'We are on a bear hunt...' I cried in jubilation....my daughter...not even 8 yet just looked with disdain and took every opportunity to tell the surrounding countryside and whoever could hear that we were lost...and as usual her parents had no sense of direction!
Well...we heard the river..yes..heard..that is how dense the forest was we were in!!!
Followed the sound and climbed over a fallen tree...found the path back to the car....
The dog has not woken up since 6pm tonight!
I am knackered too...but fell asleep at 5pm...woken up by disgruntled husband at 7pm...
I have more to tell...my life is so weird right now...I mean seriously surreal....

Today....my wrist began to look normal again...

Today....my lovely beautiful son was with me...and would not leave me...and would not let me out of his sight...

Today...I managed to hug my husband...but still recoiled...

Today...I told my daughter I loved her so much and that she was very special...

Today...I realised I have special friends here who I will never meet but will write to...

Today...I almost crashed the car into another on the school run...it scared me...but I was not in the wrong...

Today I spoke to my lover...far away...but he wants me and alcohol opens the closed door...

Today, I realised the power of chocolate...

Today, I saw one of my students delivering papers next door and he stared at my car and my house probably wondering where the fuck his teacher was....

Today, I spoke to one of the closest friends I will ever have...she is loyal and dear to me...

Today, I did sleep for some hours...when my husband came home...then I felt guilty...

Today, I had to recount the events of exactly a week ago...I felt numb...I felt blase...so what...still here aren't I? What's the big deal?...

Today, I panicked and floundered about returning to work and people's loyalty...or lack of it...

Today, I watched the lovely bottoms of the England Rugby Team and cheered when they won...

Today I lived. Today I feel fragile. Today I just ...felt...

Back home...lunch at the huge soft play place and a little soft play, but he wont let me out of his sight at the moment. Quite amazing how little ones absorb things and store things and remember things.

So...some chocolate minstrels later and chocolate stars later we are back home. Lovely and warm though here. I love the feel of carpet under my feet...love the cleaness of a newly cleaned house...radiators warm, Toy Story 2 playing... again...the cat still stretched across the kitchen table...

I've eaten too much..too much chocolate for sure...not had anything like that for weeks.

I am going to hide now inside the pages of the book I am reading at the moment, Marshmallows for Breakfast...everything is still shimmering away in the background, underneath the surface...

Oh god..I've just thought...marshmallows...heavy and sticky...my tummy is turning!!!

And yes...can I ask..does anyone else have a Chocolate Plant in their garden?

My sister-in-law was around...just talked and we laughed...she notices I've lost more weight...hardly surprising really considering the way I am, the way I feel.
She likes my skirt...well I've had it two years and it actually fits properly now and is not bursting off my hips...
Beginning to like my new shape just wish it did not have to come with all the baggage.
My nails are completely knackered...need to go to the salon soon...need to feel more feminine, more perfect than I am right now.
She was shocked though...shocked I would rather go for the pill approach to my problem as opposed to the stand up and have an almighty row approach...
That will come, have no fear..the small building blocks are there and I know it will become a sturdy and strong wall..not only one of defence but one from which I will launch my attack...how dare he, how dare he, how dare he...
...and her...the bitch..the complete and utter bitch. The anger is more solid now...not as fluid.

Spending this day with my son...with me instead of childminder...helps me to stay busy instead of slinking under the duvet and sleeping the day away.

Well...off we go...
Out to the big fun soft play place....

Remember Darcy once saying to me he was at the soft play place with his boys...'just taking shoes off before throwing myself in,' and 'soft play...I like our hard play too...'

G is off somewhere this weekend...he thinks I somehow will overnight turn into a devoted wife and believes he is stopping that process...clearly that is not the case...never has been....I need that diversion, I need that release, I need that outlet otherwise I shall go mad...is that an echo of Macbeth or Lear? Maybe both...past caring.

Soft play it is then...

My wrist is itchy...a bit scabby and a bit flaky...maybe like me.
In fact it looks completely pathetic.Yes...maybe like me.

Kind of strange this 'off sick' scenario.'Work related stress' to be precise. Do you think 'marriage related stress' exists too? or how about, 'children related stress'? Maybe 'lover related stress,' would provide a few patients.

Spoke to him last night as he drove home. Apparently I will lose my beauty if I don't sleep...yes yes I know he's right. But I never feel beautiful anyway. Inside I feel dreadfully ugly right now...but I do try to hide all that. Mask it. Conceal it.

I like my eyes though. I do like those...almost a dark green with brown too. And, my boobs...yes I actually adore my boobs. Makes a woman feel womanly. But anything and everything else all put together...makes you feel different.Oh yes...my bottom...I like that. Perhaps I like what these things do to an appreciative man more...ramble ramble.

Someone else spoke to me last night too...well msn speak...a previous lover...in fact not the right term really..a friend who I have previously met on several occasions for rather fruity sex actually! But the fact we can talk about who we are now having sex with would not be possible if things had become too intense and too strong in the past.But he was lovely about me and about what I had tried to do. We talked and it felt good and reassuring.

Well...I need to fill this time and my space today with something other...not necessarily something more.

Till later.

I did something very stupid early hours of Saturday. I decided, as I had hit rock bottom, to take a few pills. yes, what a stupid girl...but work last week...what a bastard of a week.
Firstly the boss calls me in and rants on and on that I have done something wrong. No witnesses.
Secondly, my line manager has been a complete bitch and has stabbed me in the back and has actually minuted everything since before she even took up her bloody post!
In a moment of stupidity, I walked out and had written my resignation...
I went back the next day, rescinded resignation verbally...then on Friday a formal meeting where he accepts the fact I rescind and says I can return with no conditions...then...obliterates my career in less than 10 minutes and tells me he wants my responsibility points/allowance back! I have to 'give them back.'
I felt my world had caved in, completely. this is my dream vocation we are talking about...my life.
Kept my head, went home...talked to husband and all seemed calm. We go to bed, everyone asleep but me. Thoughts just swirling round and round...then the next thing I am in the kitchen and the bathroom, glass of water and thinking how easy it is. How easy it is just to swallow pills. Not as easy trying to cut your wrist though.
So...text to a friend;phone call to the house;ambulance on the drive.
Doctors and a Mental Health Nurse interview later I am back home but still feel completely engulfed and trapped and alone and betrayed.
I still cannot see the way out. Cannot see the way forward. Everything is still swirling and I find solace buried deep under the bloodstained duvet.

First striding out and looking over
Closer you approached me.
Stepping firmly towards you,
Heart racing
Mind racing
Racing down the motorway.
Falling into your close embrace
'You came! You came!'
Smelling fresh, lovely, your arms around me
Your thoughts around me
Around my space- your words scatter.
Talk and tentative touch over dinner.
Baby sleeping. Baby cooing.
'Diamonds'
and
'Wife'
and...not my best friend.
Words stumbling across the table.
Words landing in the untouched food.
Baby sleeping.
Still.
Darkness enveloping me - silvery breath
Your kisses
Your hands
Your body
Cocooning, holding, encasing,penetrating...
Reaching and reaching
Through the night.
All night. All night. All night.
'Your babies- you sleep. Your babies, your babies.'
Tumbling around you
falling apart-
Self- containment spilling
You recede into the dark
...of your mind
Velvety darkness of your heart
Such a fine, fine art...
Isolated and empty
I just want to fly
Straight
Back
Into
You...
Beautiful you.
Devastating you.
Fearful you.

Received text from G on Tuesday....just landed from Chicago...and how was I?
I was delighted...not expecting him back for another few days.
We arranged a super-spontaneous meet the next day...just not planned but arranged very short notice...
Feels weird really as was enjoying the lack of pressure...he was away, but he was still mine...but no pressure...desperately need him to kiss me, hold me, caress me...whisper many many things and then completely satisfy me.
Our favourite room was booked up...so we had another. Left my marital home ..no guilt...none...drove and arrived. The route is so familiar now, the motorway, the junction, the hotel, the corridor, the stairs...
His arms around me, a smile, a giggle, a kiss, another kiss, just closeness and warmness and intensity....
'Let me look at you...'
'Let me look at you...'
'Let me look at you....'
I know he has already showered and brushed his teeth!!! So clean smells so good!!! I cannot stand still as he kisses me and holds me and kisses some more.
' I have ordered supper for you...hope you like smoked salmon?'
The bottle of red and supper interrupt our embrace. The Merlot is poured ...room service finally leaves...we need our precious time. Every moment.
'Would you like to eat?'
I smile very slowly and glance upwards smiling more...
'Very much,' I reply...
Leaving so late...and the drive home in the darkness feeling so complete and so content.
Later, falling into bed...next to the still, silent, asexual husband...I breathe in the sexy scent still on my body...seeping out.
Eyes closed, I smile and breathe. I can live some more now, and not feel so trapped, so suffocated. My sleep phobia does not exist tonight; I have had my fix. I am placated. Till next time...till then.

The point is...although I did completely lose the point with all my ranting and raving last time....
I was brought out of my cynical reverie the other morning when my gorgeous fresh daughter fell onto the duvet above me.
'Hello Mummy. Are we back at school today?' I smiled and snuggled into her warmness as she cuddled me, twizzling my hair as she always does.
Lifting her head, she smiled again.
'Mummy, there's a hippopatamus under your bed.'
My smile must have faded as the frown took over.
'No not a REAL one!!! Silly mummy! Just the plastic one from the Safari Park toys!!!'
Smiling at the ceiling and capturing every moment of this wonderful 'youngness,' I breathe a sigh of dramatic relief.
'Thank goodness for that! I was beginning to feel scared!'
The face is solemn. Huge sigh. Young eyes raised with a dramatic hand gesture to accompany...
'A REAL hippopotamus would not fit under your bed Mummy...ACTUALLY!!!...erm...can I have some coco pops?'
From the mouths of babes...and adorable too.

So...the casual encounter..left me a bit shocked. I had done something very rude and very risky. Had to take stock and remember I was a mother, married, career girl...

So, I tried very hard to be a good girl. But the computer beckoned and I met...well I didn't...I wrote to someone who was so engaging and just grabbed me completely. We wrote and wrote and wrote. It was amazing...weird but amazing. I began to have feelings for someone I had never met but the writing continued. It was so damned good. In fact it was so publishable. Humour, banter, fun, intelligence, attraction, arty, witty....and very very steamy!

We had not even had a conversation...but I remember the morning we did. I was alone in my room...he texted me...one of 30 or 40 texts a day...

Later, he confided, 'I felt like the spotty teenager trying to chat up the Prom queen.' He did not need to worry. I was caught. Hook line and sinker.

He called the whole thing off...I wept buckets! God knows why! Then he reappeared and tentatively the meeting, our meeting, our night together was arranged. But our writing was still ardent and passionate and wanting. There was something I had he wanted and something I desired that he had.

Train arrived...Darcy...I had modelled him on the Austen sex god...was at the wrong platform!
I stood, waited in my smart navy pinstripe, high heeled boots...heart pounding... and saw him...striding towards me. So tall and lovely and safe. It was at that point I knew I would fall in love with him if I did not keep that distance.

Arms open, around me...a gorgeous, firm kiss...took my hand , my case....and took the lead.

Short taxi ride...spilling out at the hotel...several floors up and lovely suite. I walked in...

'You look good on the dance floor...'

The song was in his head. My body was in his arms...he had changed rooms..just for me...
Tipping me back onto the vast white bed...the feeling of his urgent kisses and urgent mouth between my thighs...which he raised high and then wide..then he sank between them. I was still fully suited and booted...as was he...
My underwear still on...he kissed it, licked it...it was heart racing heaven. I wanted him.
My shirt...undone
my bra...undone...
my skirt undone..
his belt...
his trousers...
my mind ...
my heart...
his urgency...
my need...
undone over and over.

Then...he entered me...my deepest most intimate part...this was not a fuck. This was something more and I embraced it. All of it. All of him.

Wrapping my legs high around him I remember his movement and his depth. Intensity, passion and closeness that drew us dangerously together...

My mind froze..I stopped breathing when he gave me such an explosive orgasm...

I was not just one person and I reached and stretched and cried...the bottle of water on the bedside table crashed to the ground...I saw it...heard it only later. His body totally wracked with pleasure and passion....

This beautiful man, my Darcy, changed me forever.
And now he is gone.
I still dream of him. I miss him. I want him still and he is so stubborn...well...I admire him too.
But he knows that... and life moves on.
Memories don't. This was the first of only three meetings with him...but he consumed my world. We had a year of our lives completely overlapping in desire and engagement. I would not change that for anything.
Thanks babes.xxxx

I have been...was...completely faithful for the first decade of my marriage. I married him because he was there for me. he cared for me. I had no one. No one at all...that is a different story/blog....they told me not to marry him I was
'Marrying beneath my class...blah blah...';I shut down. they had isolated me, disowned me and waited for my failure and I knew I would never beg for them, need them...I wanted them so much but I had never been good enough. Never achieved enough. If I got a grade A, why was it not an A*? Never enough. Never good enough. They lived their dreams through me and I failed them....and my intended marriage all those years ago...not good enough.'Just putting the kettle on'...she muttered...and vanished. My father sitting there silent and bemused. Sitting in his wealth, his face so stewed and fraught. I cried and told her I did love her but fear..the old monster inside. Scared to make a scene, not done you see. I was weak and foolish and needed him so much ..my husband so much.We did marry, without them and at first I was so happy. I could aspire to him and relax with him.But I grew up.I moved on. His unfaithfulness..only once ...but so harsh..on holiday within a year of our wedding. Our marriage. In a hotel room. Five rooms away from me as I slept. With a woman who came on holiday with us, a woman who was there at our wedding, a woman who really should have known better.He returned..early hours weeping and waking me , confessing all....I shut down..again. Refused to believe him. Forgave him. Hated her. But that night...the love inside me died. I dissolved, fragile and empty. Stayed with him and still forgave him. We seemed to make it work and some years later our first child was born. I loved him so much and was delighted he loved our beautiful daughter so much too. But his love and adoration surrounded her..completely. He was and is a wonderful father. An amazing father and his children adore him. But I grew away...further and further...another child after that...a son. An ideal combination. But the suffocation of my life and spirit was firmly embedded...Throwing myself into work with a mad passion and trying to claw out of my unacknowledged depression. The battle was hard. So hard. My desire for him fell. His adoration was for his lovely children. I felt rejected and the desire for closeness and comfort overpowered me. Consumed me.It was then I began to search...just for sex at first, on the world wide web..that spacious and vast window.
That is where my story truly begins.

...something else...
I may hold auditions. Yes, you know exactly what I mean....'A really sexy fuck with a really sexy...sex god!!!'

I mean...a woman cannot rely upon vibrators alone...
can she?

This is such a good read...such a sensitive and funny male perspective! Very relaxing and makes you smile one minute and cry the next!
Get it...you won't put it down.

You know exactly what I am going to say...yes...I said he could sod off...and yes...and yes...
But...well...the back peddling appears to have ceased...for the moment. Profuse apologies and further profuse apologies and I know for a fact he is dying to get my very damp knickers off!!! And I know for a fact I am dying to let him! So...it's back on...for now.
However, let me just say to all of you tutting and raising your eyebrows, shaking your heads in disappointment...
The dignified distance thing...works a treat! Really. It does. Also, in my head I know he is not the be all and end all...
He is there for me when we can manage it...
He is fabulous in bed...when we can find a moment...
He is lovely to talk to and to have fun with...when he is not being a moody flamboyant character...
He will...one day...not be there... and I am not going to be in a pathetic state of mind about it.
Find him. Fancy him. Fuck him...in many fabulous ways...and feel empowered enough to free him when and if that should happen...
And feel all of it...if it is truly fantastic...remember every moment and feel it. Enjoy it and thrive on it...fantasise about it...
What was good? What made you smile? Why were you so sexy for him...indeed why are you so sexy now...still...always...not just for him. It is you and you can do it with someone else who can take you to those dizzy emotional, physical, engaging heights.

And..should it all come crashing down tomorrow...I will still look on this and remember and smile and anticipate the beginning of the search....the sexy search once again...with all of those other strong women out there.