I have been...was...completely faithful for the first decade of my marriage. I married him because he was there for me. he cared for me. I had no one. No one at all...that is a different story/blog....they told me not to marry him I was
'Marrying beneath my class...blah blah...';I shut down. they had isolated me, disowned me and waited for my failure and I knew I would never beg for them, need them...I wanted them so much but I had never been good enough. Never achieved enough. If I got a grade A, why was it not an A*? Never enough. Never good enough. They lived their dreams through me and I failed them....and my intended marriage all those years ago...not good enough.'Just putting the kettle on'...she muttered...and vanished. My father sitting there silent and bemused. Sitting in his wealth, his face so stewed and fraught. I cried and told her I did love her but fear..the old monster inside. Scared to make a scene, not done you see. I was weak and foolish and needed him so much ..my husband so much.We did marry, without them and at first I was so happy. I could aspire to him and relax with him.But I grew up.I moved on. His unfaithfulness..only once ...but so harsh..on holiday within a year of our wedding. Our marriage. In a hotel room. Five rooms away from me as I slept. With a woman who came on holiday with us, a woman who was there at our wedding, a woman who really should have known better.He returned..early hours weeping and waking me , confessing all....I shut down..again. Refused to believe him. Forgave him. Hated her. But that night...the love inside me died. I dissolved, fragile and empty. Stayed with him and still forgave him. We seemed to make it work and some years later our first child was born. I loved him so much and was delighted he loved our beautiful daughter so much too. But his love and adoration surrounded her..completely. He was and is a wonderful father. An amazing father and his children adore him. But I grew away...further and further...another child after that...a son. An ideal combination. But the suffocation of my life and spirit was firmly embedded...Throwing myself into work with a mad passion and trying to claw out of my unacknowledged depression. The battle was hard. So hard. My desire for him fell. His adoration was for his lovely children. I felt rejected and the desire for closeness and comfort overpowered me. Consumed me.It was then I began to search...just for sex at first, on the world wide web..that spacious and vast window.
That is where my story truly begins.