I did something very stupid early hours of Saturday. I decided, as I had hit rock bottom, to take a few pills. yes, what a stupid girl...but work last week...what a bastard of a week.
Firstly the boss calls me in and rants on and on that I have done something wrong. No witnesses.
Secondly, my line manager has been a complete bitch and has stabbed me in the back and has actually minuted everything since before she even took up her bloody post!
In a moment of stupidity, I walked out and had written my resignation...
I went back the next day, rescinded resignation verbally...then on Friday a formal meeting where he accepts the fact I rescind and says I can return with no conditions...then...obliterates my career in less than 10 minutes and tells me he wants my responsibility points/allowance back! I have to 'give them back.'
I felt my world had caved in, completely. this is my dream vocation we are talking about...my life.
Kept my head, went home...talked to husband and all seemed calm. We go to bed, everyone asleep but me. Thoughts just swirling round and round...then the next thing I am in the kitchen and the bathroom, glass of water and thinking how easy it is. How easy it is just to swallow pills. Not as easy trying to cut your wrist though.
So...text to a friend;phone call to the house;ambulance on the drive.
Doctors and a Mental Health Nurse interview later I am back home but still feel completely engulfed and trapped and alone and betrayed.
I still cannot see the way out. Cannot see the way forward. Everything is still swirling and I find solace buried deep under the bloodstained duvet.