Prettyintelligentprincess

I've been silent here...because I just didn't feel like it. I just didn't know what to say or think and I felt overwhelmed and just did not feel like doing anything. Still don't.

Cried tonight...so pathetic. What the fuck I'm crying for fuck knows.

By the way, she was a therapist last week...not a counsellor....cognitive and behavioural therapist. Christ, she'd have one huge field day if she knew the half of it. You see, I am an absolute fraud really...there is no way on this planet I can tell her or my GP that I am sleeping with other people...and, reading the stuff she handed me last week, that is one of the 'symptoms' people with high stress/anxiety or depression can have.
So,is everyone who is unfaithful/ having an affair/ one night stands etc....suffering from stress and/or depression? The frightening thing is, I saw myself in those pages. I want to feel loved. I want to feel attractive. I want to feel wanted...and predominantly, I want to feel safe, even for a short time in some other world with some other warmth from some other body.

Seeing her again tomorrow. Apparently she will help me 'find' what 'has been taken away from me' through this recent incident at work and then help to 'restructure and build it back' so I can go in and confront the evil, nasty, bullying bastard...mmm...you're right, the last bit was my interpretation.

Wandered back into the world of G last week...a lovely evening; lovely sex; lovely dinner; lovely bed....then lovely soothing sleep when I returned home...slipped into bed...slept and slept...peaceful and soothed.

But it was different...I can let him go. I saw him as one who was as vulnerable as me. I felt stronger, superior, calm, controlled and removed...no tears, no yearning...his strength and the safety I felt seemed to melt...strange and unanticipated...I need closeness and loveliness and sexiness again...and again...and again...but I do not believe I will yearn it with him always now. Just when I want him...when I can't/don't have another.

Speaking of others...the phone sex continues...and there is a comfortableness there now...a friendship really...talk, chat, laugh...and the fair few dirty chats are getting very exciting....

He wants me...and I have warmed...considerably hotted up actually....and it will happen...don't know when, but it will.And..yet another property tycoon!!! What is it with you guys?

I felt so bloody low at the beginning of this..but my mood is lifting....slightly...but can breathe more now and feel calmer.I have been an absolutely awful mother today....screamed at them...unfair on them...I apologised before bed...held them...hoped so much they would not remember me being so awful.

Just don't feel like going back to that awful place...
...someone, a friend...she said to me today
'...let's face it, you've worked so hard for them...and they've shit on you....'
That's it...that is exactly it and I cannot face looking at the building, never mind going through the doors....

Part of me is appearing to cope...she can work on that bit tomorrow...
Another part is still just spiralling downwards...freefall.

I've bottled/cancelled/got cold feet/woken up and smelt the coffee...blah blah....

There's something not right. Not sure what, but something just seems not right. With him I mean.

The precision of his fantasies.
The precision of his language.
The exactness of his desires and expectations.

I know there is always a risk, a danger and those of you who read those early posts before PIP existed know very well the risks I have taken in the past...to just get that fix.

It's not even nerves.

I just know it's not right. Intuition has never been wrong with situations like this and there is an alarm bell ringing somewhere...so...still looking, seeking, searching, yearning...

Looking at the last post I wrote I noticed the way in which the sleeping tablet filtered into my bloodstream...Being the conscientious person I am, I wanted to go back and correct it...but then thought...nope..that is how it was and that is how it will stay! So apologies...it actually is a true representation of losing one's faculties!

Well...I know I am going to be naughty again soon. Naughty as in naughty unfaithful wife...and all from that one text back on...whenever it was when I was cold and trying to sleep...

Alone with children all weekend...during the day, which I should not complain about...but yes I know hubby is out earning money, but sometimes I really feel at breaking point with a 4 year old wild child and a 7 year old.

Let's keep this in perspective shall we; 4 weeks earlier I had tried to kill myself/taken overdose/tried to cut into vein/ whatever you want to call it...and yes I feel I am a rubbish mother. Yes I feel I could completely lose it at any time with them..I have done...I just screamed at them...had to walk away incase I hurt little boy at one point...

Sunday...hub wonders why I am crying. Wonders why I 'can't cope.' I despise his lack of intelligence and lack of perception more and more as each day passes. I grow further away from him...I have completely 'outgrown' him anyway so to speak.But you know all that from first couple of posts so won't repeat!

Lovely little girl tiptoes into my room....'Why are you upset mummy?'...well...talk about opening the floodgates....she is very dear to me.

Anyhow...the sexy texts have kept me going...although I still think of G and wonder how the Floyd fan is doing...as well as Darcy...Oh god what a dream I had last night....but that is another time..very very vivid.

Have to confess, wonderful phone sex last night...but it's a bit of an art isn't it? I mean...which hand do you use; do/can you penetrate anything at all whilst holding/being near to the mobile phone? Sex toys just a bit clumsy one handed...loud speaker is an option, but not when hub is asleep in the room above your head! And, I do have an aversion to getting my lovely new phone covered in sticky fingerprints , so I've done a fast track 'hands on' mobile phone sex course! Well, that is what it feels like!

Don't get me wrong, we have managed to talk too as well as gasp and groan...He does interest me and I am not bored...so I would not say 'engaging' but intelligent and sexy enough to quench my needs...for the time being...I think...but not the one I desire so much.

He's made the booking...5 star...made it yesterday I think...exactly what I hoped for; what I imagined....but not the whole night...not yet. In fact, if it was a whole night, from what I've discovered so far, I doubt I'd be coherent enough to get back home!And I do not crave him enough for a whole night...

My first counselling session has come through since that awful dark night...ironically the same day as the day I am going to get shagged senseless...I know which will be the most theraputic.

Needs must and all that...I feel weird about it all actually. I want sex...with someone who will satisfy...but I know he is not the answer; purely a stop gap!More importantly though...this is the first time since G and I need to erase him properly and this is the only way I know how.

Today...well I feel like the letters in the blue bar above this text space!
F U K D

The show begins with mother mode...kids up, dressed, fed...school run...husband leaves at 5 30 am and with sleeping tabs I am oblivious.

Return home alone...mixed feelings...other mothers at the school gate...know I normaly am at work...well..fuck off...

Beautiful boy...clinging onto my leg...knows I am not going to work...but happily trundles off eventually inside childminders house.

I feel guilty...he should be with me...but must keep him in routine and it will be so hard when I do go back...so must stay normal...normal.

Do the washing.
Do the tidying.
Huge urge to peruse the web...I resist...
I need sleep....
Strip off to undies...climb in...duvet protects me...
MMmmm...brought toys to bed..just in case...

Receive text...From the one who liked my bottom over a year ago...can I call you at 12?...

I nod off...feel cold, can't get warm.

Waking up to the phone...he texts agin..something naughty and suggestive...I ponder...yes really I DO...never spoken to him...well not this year so far!...very little memory of him..in fact ..let's be blunt here..none...nothing!

But...I want to play...the sexy texts turn me on...let's face it...this is the ultimate in safe sex!

He wants to listen...he wants to talk...dirty...well...yep, okay then...your phone bill mate!

So he calls...I answer...squirming in my bed...no theatricals required...

A pleasant and mature voice....53...is that too old? But he was experienced...very and knew exactly what he wanted as well as what I rather fancied...you see he has een me...I sent some photos last year and cannot remember sending them. Perhaps I was drunk or just despairing. I don't know.

Hard and penetrative orgasm...then another...short time later...I must admit, I did wonder if he was in pain when I listened to his! But he was okay...He wants to meet...

Check out my messages...oh dear...too deep, too raw, too vulnerable....got that rectified...hopefully to fun, exciting and my dreams can live for so long...no pressure at all..

Showerd...binned wet knickers...cleaned toys...hid them...

No lunch...
Collect the children...home...homework, arguing, tea.

Could not eat tea...screen now swimming...tablet pulling everything back,,,inwards,,

My womb has rocked so much today...my period has begun...which increases my sex drive even more!!!!

And so..the variety show ends with a solitary view of tv and a slinking into bed next to unshwered husband....shit...keys are swimming...must go

This is the day when...

I swam...and swam...and swam...and sat in a jacuzzi!

I read... and read... and re-read his mail, before the tour bus set off to Coventry.

I was given a quote from Pink Floyd...telephones and no clothes...

I moisturised and enjoyed my skin and how lovely it is...

I talked and did jigsaws with beautiful boy and listened to his incessant chatter and wondered what it would be that would make him succeed in life.

I spoke to my dear friend who knows and understands my damage and she is strong and quiet and knows what I was considering doing again the night before last.

I reflected on lovely words and sensitive conversation with someone last night who told me that I was good...and not bad...as I drank my gorgeous hot chocolate. He almost made me cry...actually he did but I just hid behind the pin up picture...as usual.(Didn't tell him but I suspect he knows anyway).

I missed a much needed and long awaited chat with someone whose voice I have yet to hear but whose words I enjoy so much.

I threatened to rehome the pet dog and never ever realised how distraught that would make my 7 year old daughter...how her beautiful face just crumpled as she cried...we made a deal.

I removed myself further from my life as I know it and imagined separation, divorce and realised I could do that...but he would hate me forever and the children, so young and innocent. It would rip their world apart. They adore him.really....am I in any fit state to even make that kind of decision?

I realised the other side of the equation and again understood why it would be better with me gone...then thought about the boy, my boy...he needs me and must not just wander into his father's footsteps.

I wondered about G..remembered...and felt so little...and wondered what all the fuss had been about.

I felt guilty about making some people too aroused...really!

I felt empty....he is not here. I wonder if he has run...or got off the tour bus in some other town.

I realised I am still here and actually, when I get my act together...I am a formidable force. Just not sure when it's time for my act...

Oh god...I need such a hard fuck...soon...but it has to be a sexy one too...not just any old shag!
Absolutely dying for some flesh on flesh and shared mind-blowing orgasms!!!!
I need a fix...soon.

Marvellous! Well done! Beautiful , lovely, sumptuous television. The England Rugby Team...bloody magnificent. .....And...erm..ladies I so know you will get me on this one
The broadness of those shoulders and tightness of those tops!!!!
....the sheer power of those fantastic thighs...it's not just me is it?

The thought of that power between my thighs....oooooohhhh....god! Absolutely magnificent!

Bravo!

Beautiful boy was 4 today. Noddy seemed to have mysteriously disappeared from the shelves in ASDA...but another red and blue dressed character caught his eye...Spiderman was a grumpy second. So, all webbed and clad in a tight suit, Spiderman adorned the birhday cake...which eventually had to be guarded day and night as little boy was desperate....desperate to eat his cake!

Today has been frantic and busy and solemn and my head has felt close to bursting with all the clamour and all the noise. I suffocate sometimes and try and retreat in some far off place with tears hidden from view...today...surrounded by family who know me as a wife, mother, sister-in-law...and then friends who know me as a friend and as a mother, a neighbour and as a wife..then the close friends...a few..who know me as someone else. Who know me as someone who believed the solution was in a failed pathetic suicide attempt three weeks ago, and who know I recoil from my husband, and who know I feel damaged with what has happened at work, and who know I wander and get hurt and lost and seduced and blinded in the world of adultery and unfaithfulness...but even they don't know everything- who should?

Who has the right?

They assume all is gloom...and actually it is not. Not always. That is the path. That is the route I risk. But not always gloom...

Friday...afternoon...the time he and I always used to talk for an hour or more as he drove up the A1...still reply the routine in my head...sent him a bombastic farewell message on Wednesday...again , I know, no need ..I just felt rather devilish...(and vengeful actually as had received such a condescending message from him)...with some excellent photos... and then blocked him...from every email address...

Three missed calls...Friday...afternoon...his number...yes I have deleted them..again!..No..I did not return them...Have no need. Felt no urge. Felt no desire. His journey this Friday was without me. He is proud...G..the very epitomy of pride...I remember the lovely things. The sexy things. The compassionate things...and I will never forget the selfish things... silence...never.

My mood lifted with a wonderful Dylanesque message from , I suspect, a wonderful person...but he made me smile. He made me feel happy and I chuckled too...engaging and intelligent...god I need that..I need sense and yes, sensibility too!

The message tonight...I laughed again. I cannot remember when I felt so free to just laugh! And I smiled too...rather secretly....rather sexily ...MMmmmmm. Delicious.

Just had a sleeping tablet...just one...no alcohol, rare...but it's got to be done. Mr Estate Agent just texted goodnight...sweet of him...hardly ever talk unless I feel I need to drown him...textually. Which is not often these days.

Some contact with people from work too...few words mean so much.

Lovely mail I responded to also...yes, lovely mail.

I feel a bit 'under the weather today' just the signs of cold, sore throat...nothing much. Managed to take paracetamol in a sensible manner...not a suicidal manner!

I feel dislodged from the normality of life right now. So strange one minute...then everything fits the next. I almost feel I am watching myself on some show...yes it's me, it's really me.

It is my son's 4th Birthday this weekend and I have to say I am getting slightly anxious about not being able to find a Noddy cake...he really has been very specific! Even Rory the Racing Car is not tempting...and there's bloody loads of those in ASDA!

Sleep beckons. I can feel the heavy pull of it sliding through my body. Night.

Today, I turned down a rampant horny fuck from a previous lover...I felt relieved...but sorry...for him...still relieved.

Today I watched some porn and had three self induced orgasms whilst at the keyboard.

Today I wore no underwear.

Today, I giggled whilst watching This Morning...

Today, I read some of my book..I like it.

Today, I wrote to my union people at region who are so distant and unemotional.

Today, I cried. I feel isolated and angry.

Today I smiled and wrote to someone who serenaded me..or tried to with The Who...and then attempted to act so cool about a Mr Darcy reference!

Today, I managed to think and react and write and engage with someone in a positive, intelligent and sexy way...even though his keyboard was in danger of becoming....sticky!!!

Today, I felt natural and sensuous.

Today, I was contacted by a person who loved my bottom...who I sent pics to over a year ago...but I could not remember him. I had no desire to.

Today, I washed my beautiful son in his bubbly bath and read him two bed time stories.

Today, I collected my daughter from school and imprinted the feeling of her hand inside mine...forever.

Today, my husband asked me why I was crying. I struggled to speak.

Today , I watched the squirrel doing acrobatics in my back garden.

Today, I realised what a complete and utter bastard G was and told him so...well I e mailed.

Today, I shared my desires to have my underwear ripped off, to be bent over, to have my hips held, to be deeply had...wearing my boots!

Today, I found out how tall he was.

Today, I scrubbed myself hard in the shower to wash away anything ugly; anything bad; anything unclean.

Today I checked out my lovely pussy wax...mmm...still delicious.

Today I spoke to a friend who phoned and who had no idea what I did 4 hours after our last conversation two weeks ago. She was shocked and angry and lovely.

Today, I thought about Darcy...again.

Today next door's paper boy walked over and asked me when I would be back...we need you!

Today, I wallowed in self love, self pity, self righteousness, self anger and still a raging thirsty desire for complete, solid, firm, warm, chemistry-driven, lustfully charged, mind-blowing fucking...but with feeling too.

Today...just a day.

I sent a text to the silent one on Friday. It went something like this,
'I can't do this anymore. Not with all this silence. Take care x'

That was it. I felt very little as I wrote it and as I sent it.

I have actually remained faithful to someone for five months...which, I am telling you , is a huge record for me! In that time my husband has touched me twice...and I can only remember the second time...I don't know why...as usual it was all orgasmless for me anyway.

But with G..I remember the first time...and every single time after that. Every moment. Every touch. Every kiss...and the multitude of orgasms!!!

Going to stop this now as being very foolish and honestly, he does not deserve the airtime...blogtime...whatever...

Feel a bit low actually anyway....
but my afternoon was lifted, sporadically...as I kept glancing at my inbox...the intuitive reponses, the witty articulation and the clear openness with an honesty which is refreshing and engaging. So, I have smiled this afternoon...and this person, I think...smiled back! Nothing heady; nothing demanding...but, I do, without question, still have that incredible thirst that needs quenching.

I suspect he does too...

Here are my two Freya sets I was mentioning to Confuddled. Not worn them very much actually and as you can see they are the thong design and not the shorts design, which I prefer at the moment.
But needless to say, they are pretty and lacy and very delicate in a sexy way.
There is a little peephole at the back of the thong just under the elastic...actually I did have two pairs of undies for the pink and sage...but one of them got ripped...from the peephole downwards...a moment of passion with G some time ago.

Just come back from the salon...gorgeous nails...and smoothness...oh smoothness in the most painful way...but it feels so good afterwards.
I prefer having the whole lot..off...yes all. The bit at the front...and yes...I mean it...those cheeky bits underneath...and also...anything that may be hiding..in the back door area also. Actually...my waxing lady has seen more of my bits than I have!And we chat away about this and that as she asks me...
'Just put your fingers there..yes..lovely...now taut..'
I focus! Words falling out of my mouth at breakneck speed in a desperate attempt to ignore the ensuing 'rriiip' after the warmness of the wax which feels like heaven on my awaiting labia....

Okay...you can uncross your legs. It wasn't that bad!

It just feels better for me and I enjoy the sensation if I am indulging in particular delightful exploits...which I am not at the moment...and speaking of which, why the hell I am wasting any time over a self-centred, selfish, distant, completely silent man...I just don't know. The mind-blowing sex is definitely a contributory factor..but even so...it's not as though I am unintelligent. I am managing to partition him actually in a small place...contained.

I have needs that must be satisfied.
I have a very insatiable thirst that needs quenching.
I have a body crying out for touch...both gentle and firm.
I have underwear that needs ripping off...

So...whilst G is away in G-land Inc. PIP here has decided she will be making a damned good effort to have, find, share, enjoy her body, her desires and yes her underwear with a very lovely, sexy, intelligent bloke...and yes...I know they are not on every street corner..but have you not heard of 'Seek and Ye shall find?'

And no...still don't fancy Mr Estate Agent. I really hope I do not get that desperate. Surely not!

So...alone...all sleeping and I feel weird...again. Tonight was lovely...took my daughter to the theatre.

This afternoon...was lovely...someone talked to me and it was kind and refreshing and fun and a tiny bit sexy...but warm...I yearn warmth.

He made me smile.
He made me relax.
He made me busy for some time...I need that right now.
It did not appear much.
No raunch.
No explicit demands.
No cheap comments.
No assumptions.

Intelligent chat. In fact...he gave me the inspiration to try..yes try...to do the lingerie shots! Did not even talk about them...he just just left me with the feeling..I could...well I did...and so there!
Night night...just thought...my sexiest, shiniest....I was wearing...does wonders for my rather ample cleavage..but very very lovely....sexy...mmmmm xxx Now that may have to wait now...till auditions!

I do love this outfit too. G adores it. Makes the boobs look very sexy. And the feel of the material is also lovely.

Now I have had some fun in this!
Lots of...with a particular gentleman I have not written about in this blog...yet! Just rediscovered it and I think my boobs may be a little restricted now!

I love this too. Makes me feel very sexy...especially in high boots!

Darcy loved it.
I love it.
Husband unaware of it.

Brown lacy is definitely my favourite at the moment...

...and you can see the cream outfit on this....

Well...here you are. And it is very hard to do this lingerie arranging thing!!! Without actually wearing it! So the lacy chocolate is new..as is the black and cream and the cotton cream with little flowers....

But I found a whole load more...some I will let you share...Have not got enough space on this site to show you everything I have!!!

Tired today..just had very weird dream...I became this spiritual being...yes weird...I was on a kind of bus and an old boyfriend (my first love actually) was standing in front of me...there was a girl to my right and he thought he would become this spiritual being...the bus stopped and I breathed in and felt myself grow...yes...grow taller and that was the sign! The sign that I had become this special spiritual one and not him!
I was wearing a long white gown with a chiffon black throw around my arms and shoulders...
Then off I went...smiling and being acknowledged as this spiritual person as I walked.
I swear I am not on medication! Did not take sleeping pills either. Actually have taken none yet!

I've decided..I don't want to. Prefer having the wise words and the textual shoulder upon which to cry. Having a frantic fuck the way I feel right now ...with him...would ruin all that. Also...the chemistry thing..well..it's not there for me. So, sorry readers...no steamy sex scenes coming up tomorrow evening...
But, I will still be wearing my gorgeous underwear, so there!

And the G thing...silently fuming and no more tears...and looking...looking for the chemistry thing...and serious contemplation about auditions!

blondie007...you were so right! I should have listened to you...

Just received email from G.This is what it said...exactly...

'Thank you for your email. Please understand this is not your fault at all it is mine ok. Nobody is able to do anything it's just the way I am and as I told you I just want to be alone.
G'

Me:hello..invisible D ,how are you?
You:fine..
Me:Oh good...and the kids?
You:Fine too.
Me:Great. No more drawing and writing on scalps then?
You:Oh no...chuckle chuckle...not yet anyway. Climbed a mountain last week though.
Me: listening to the new Hard fi album...cool music.
You: oh yes..I got that ten weeks ago and lots of other trendy obscure music recommended by the Guardian..
Me: No change there then!
You: Well...you know how it is.
Me: Yes, actually I do.
You:So what have you been up to?
Me: Nothing much really...off work due to 'work related stress apparently.'
You: you okay then...
Me: Yeah fine...just took an overdose the week before last...needless to say still here and feeling just a bit silly about it.
You: Things that bad?
Me: Yes..they were...felt like the best thing to do..really it did.
You: No. Not the best thing.
Me: You have no idea.
You: Work? You love work.
Me: Past tense. I loved work. He's a complete twat.
You: No way...
Me: Yes really. Also I am completely trapped...feel trapped by everything...work home...just everything..been on 'THAT' site again...
You: don't go there.
Me: I tried hard not to. Really...but a woman has..erm..needs!!!
You: Weirdos out there ..
Me: Tell me about it....You know what..never told you this before, my husband is called D.
You: Really...oh..that may have felt strange?
Me: yep. Not as strange as when you told me the religious middle name your mum gave you..
You: A? Why?
Me: weird this is..but that is his middle name too.I remember the very moment...the very moment you told me...lying along the bottom of the bed, next to you...smelling you...feeling you...If you had not been on the edge of the bed, I swear I would have fallen off! So you see...Right name, right person, right fit, right chemistry...just wrong time...
I miss what we had very much. I think about you too much. And I miss the conversations...in fact how the hell I've refrained...fuck knows.
Seeing someone...well am I ? Not sure on that really...just not sure anymore...he is intelligent... tall...like you...handsome...like you...strong...like you...adorable in bed...like you...treats me well and behaves like an absolute gent wining and dining...like you...but...he can't handle feeling the way he does about me. Why do people have to be so damned complicated...he has fallen for me...against his better judgement and blows hot and cold and, quite literally, at the moment, is seriously doing my head in!
So....there it is...I feel urges again to seek the unobtainable...the forbidden ...the doomed perfection I can never manage...

Perhaps you can see now why the other night seemed such a good idea...my children have a lovely caring father...so they would be fine with him. After all, their mother is a very complicated, selfish, super high sex driven, sex obsessed fragile female who is just not behaving as she should be.
She is also opinionated and rarely follows advice.

Enough ranting. Thanks for listening Darcy.
Take care
kisses always...
Me xxxxxx
p.s The King...lovely song...reminds me of what we had. Lovely words. lovely you. But I am fine..I am...so I sincerely hope you are okay. Sorry to bother you.x

Just thought I'd let you know..I bought some lovely gorgeous underwear today...gorgeous...sexy...slinky...lacy...pretty.
In fact, I have an underwear buying...thing...I love buying underwear...my husband does not know the half of it...my drawers..pardon the pun...are stuffed!!!
I love it.
I love the feel of it.
The smell of it.
The power of i