This is the day when...

I swam...and swam...and swam...and sat in a jacuzzi!

I read... and read... and re-read his mail, before the tour bus set off to Coventry.

I was given a quote from Pink Floyd...telephones and no clothes...

I moisturised and enjoyed my skin and how lovely it is...

I talked and did jigsaws with beautiful boy and listened to his incessant chatter and wondered what it would be that would make him succeed in life.

I spoke to my dear friend who knows and understands my damage and she is strong and quiet and knows what I was considering doing again the night before last.

I reflected on lovely words and sensitive conversation with someone last night who told me that I was good...and not bad...as I drank my gorgeous hot chocolate. He almost made me cry...actually he did but I just hid behind the pin up picture...as usual.(Didn't tell him but I suspect he knows anyway).

I missed a much needed and long awaited chat with someone whose voice I have yet to hear but whose words I enjoy so much.

I threatened to rehome the pet dog and never ever realised how distraught that would make my 7 year old daughter...how her beautiful face just crumpled as she cried...we made a deal.

I removed myself further from my life as I know it and imagined separation, divorce and realised I could do that...but he would hate me forever and the children, so young and innocent. It would rip their world apart. They adore him.really....am I in any fit state to even make that kind of decision?

I realised the other side of the equation and again understood why it would be better with me gone...then thought about the boy, my boy...he needs me and must not just wander into his father's footsteps.

I wondered about G..remembered...and felt so little...and wondered what all the fuss had been about.

I felt guilty about making some people too aroused...really!

I felt empty....he is not here. I wonder if he has run...or got off the tour bus in some other town.

I realised I am still here and actually, when I get my act together...I am a formidable force. Just not sure when it's time for my act...