Looking at the last post I wrote I noticed the way in which the sleeping tablet filtered into my bloodstream...Being the conscientious person I am, I wanted to go back and correct it...but then thought...nope..that is how it was and that is how it will stay! So apologies...it actually is a true representation of losing one's faculties!

Well...I know I am going to be naughty again soon. Naughty as in naughty unfaithful wife...and all from that one text back on...whenever it was when I was cold and trying to sleep...

Alone with children all weekend...during the day, which I should not complain about...but yes I know hubby is out earning money, but sometimes I really feel at breaking point with a 4 year old wild child and a 7 year old.

Let's keep this in perspective shall we; 4 weeks earlier I had tried to kill myself/taken overdose/tried to cut into vein/ whatever you want to call it...and yes I feel I am a rubbish mother. Yes I feel I could completely lose it at any time with them..I have done...I just screamed at them...had to walk away incase I hurt little boy at one point...

Sunday...hub wonders why I am crying. Wonders why I 'can't cope.' I despise his lack of intelligence and lack of perception more and more as each day passes. I grow further away from him...I have completely 'outgrown' him anyway so to speak.But you know all that from first couple of posts so won't repeat!

Lovely little girl tiptoes into my room....'Why are you upset mummy?'...well...talk about opening the floodgates....she is very dear to me.

Anyhow...the sexy texts have kept me going...although I still think of G and wonder how the Floyd fan is doing...as well as Darcy...Oh god what a dream I had last night....but that is another time..very very vivid.

Have to confess, wonderful phone sex last night...but it's a bit of an art isn't it? I mean...which hand do you use; do/can you penetrate anything at all whilst holding/being near to the mobile phone? Sex toys just a bit clumsy one handed...loud speaker is an option, but not when hub is asleep in the room above your head! And, I do have an aversion to getting my lovely new phone covered in sticky fingerprints , so I've done a fast track 'hands on' mobile phone sex course! Well, that is what it feels like!

Don't get me wrong, we have managed to talk too as well as gasp and groan...He does interest me and I am not bored...so I would not say 'engaging' but intelligent and sexy enough to quench my needs...for the time being...I think...but not the one I desire so much.

He's made the booking...5 star...made it yesterday I think...exactly what I hoped for; what I imagined....but not the whole night...not yet. In fact, if it was a whole night, from what I've discovered so far, I doubt I'd be coherent enough to get back home!And I do not crave him enough for a whole night...

My first counselling session has come through since that awful dark night...ironically the same day as the day I am going to get shagged senseless...I know which will be the most theraputic.

Needs must and all that...I feel weird about it all actually. I want sex...with someone who will satisfy...but I know he is not the answer; purely a stop gap!More importantly though...this is the first time since G and I need to erase him properly and this is the only way I know how.