I've been silent here...because I just didn't feel like it. I just didn't know what to say or think and I felt overwhelmed and just did not feel like doing anything. Still don't.
Cried tonight...so pathetic. What the fuck I'm crying for fuck knows.
By the way, she was a therapist last week...not a counsellor....cognitive and behavioural therapist. Christ, she'd have one huge field day if she knew the half of it. You see, I am an absolute fraud really...there is no way on this planet I can tell her or my GP that I am sleeping with other people...and, reading the stuff she handed me last week, that is one of the 'symptoms' people with high stress/anxiety or depression can have.
So,is everyone who is unfaithful/ having an affair/ one night stands etc....suffering from stress and/or depression? The frightening thing is, I saw myself in those pages. I want to feel loved. I want to feel attractive. I want to feel wanted...and predominantly, I want to feel safe, even for a short time in some other world with some other warmth from some other body.
Seeing her again tomorrow. Apparently she will help me 'find' what 'has been taken away from me' through this recent incident at work and then help to 'restructure and build it back' so I can go in and confront the evil, nasty, bullying bastard...mmm...you're right, the last bit was my interpretation.
Wandered back into the world of G last week...a lovely evening; lovely sex; lovely dinner; lovely bed....then lovely soothing sleep when I returned home...slipped into bed...slept and slept...peaceful and soothed.
But it was different...I can let him go. I saw him as one who was as vulnerable as me. I felt stronger, superior, calm, controlled and removed...no tears, no yearning...his strength and the safety I felt seemed to melt...strange and unanticipated...I need closeness and loveliness and sexiness again...and again...and again...but I do not believe I will yearn it with him always now. Just when I want him...when I can't/don't have another.
Speaking of others...the phone sex continues...and there is a comfortableness there now...a friendship really...talk, chat, laugh...and the fair few dirty chats are getting very exciting....
He wants me...and I have warmed...considerably hotted up actually....and it will happen...don't know when, but it will.And..yet another property tycoon!!! What is it with you guys?
I felt so bloody low at the beginning of this..but my mood is lifting....slightly...but can breathe more now and feel calmer.I have been an absolutely awful mother today....screamed at them...unfair on them...I apologised before bed...held them...hoped so much they would not remember me being so awful.
Just don't feel like going back to that awful place...
...someone, a friend...she said to me today
'...let's face it, you've worked so hard for them...and they've shit on you....'
That's it...that is exactly it and I cannot face looking at the building, never mind going through the doors....
Part of me is appearing to cope...she can work on that bit tomorrow...
Another part is still just spiralling downwards...freefall.
