Posts archive for: February, 2008
  • Darcy Diminishing as Floyd Fulfills.

    Why I did it I don't know. I sent a text to Darcy at weird o'clock the other morning...
    I was still heady from actually remaining so good, so intact, so aloof on Friday night...and..oh..I actually phoned the number as I lay in bed next to a sleeping husband, just so I could hear his voice on the message mail option.

    Oh, I felt more embarrassed about that than I would have done revisiting particular pleasures with a particular but disappointed hopeful.

    Thank goodness I was so so under the influence that I feel embarrassed. Such a pathetic thing to do.

    Smiling just a little, it's a lovely thought that I know it's a different path and a different connection that fills my mind these days.

    He was in my head at work today.
    In my head as I showered this morning.
    In my head as I drove the children.

    In my head, in my head, in my head.

  • Bemused Silence.

    The complete 'What the hell do we say to that last post,' bewilderment is absolutely tangible and, may be...for the first time,I was too honest.

    Oh well.

    You can take the Princess out of the world of confessional sexiness but you can never take the world of confessional sexiness out of the Princess !

    I have a sneaking suspicion some of you rather liked it and I'm afraid I won't be apologising to those who didn't!

  • My Word Cloud for February. There are changes since January.

    SnapShirts Feb 08

    It may need some magnifying!!!!
    But very interesting if looking at the words and the language since my previous cloud...

  • Today Turned Me On!

    Today, a flurry of messages from G ...such a concerned tone. (Concerned I won't share my pleasures more like!)

    Today, I told him his behaviour was not good enough for me and that I didn't care if he agreed or disagreed, I would not be interested.

    Today, I was absolutely amazed with my attitude towards G and the lack of arousal and longing. He fills me completely with emptiness.

    Today, Sportacus and Budding Vet ran with me near a very large boat...the tide was in, we could not get too close, but she looked forlorn and wretched. They will move her soon.

    Today, in the silence and quiet...in an empty bed, I explored and played with my intimate beauty and shuddered a stifled orgasm before the children woke.

    Today, I returned again to the building of betrayal to continue to stamp my identity permanently in my own environment.

    Today, I pondered over the fact that Dram and ex-friends clearly had been brainwashed by Bitch One and probably had little concept of the notion of my attempted suicide. They probably assume I am an attention seeking and calculating female...The hurt has moved to pity though. I feel so empowered and turn cold at the thought of even wishing what I endured onto another. I feel so glad I documented my journey here. I feel glad you were all here too.

    Today, I have heard from Floyd Fan..at last...I was beginning to think he was a manifestation of my recovering psyche! His words are filled with excitement and fun and passion and longing...yet..I know he still feels tentative and I try hard to remain calm....his heart and his openess has been hurt harshly before I feel...
    so it's a careful and sensitive path I tread.

    Today, I believe we have actually set a date!

    Today, I cannot consider any other person; not for fucking; not for being my lover. It is him...just in our own time though...just when it will be...no rush...it will just be. This courtship is well-mannered and so eloquent...and of course...just so bloody sexy...how the fuck I am going to wait I just don't know. Definitely need new batteries in my closest and most intimate toys...

    Today, I feel so strong and so ready.

    Today,I definitely got the horn...well if I was a man I would have!

    Today really turned me on!

  • I Actually Said No!

    G has been in touch..
    He wants to meet this week.
    he asked me last night. He asked me again today and ,:lalala:

    I
    SAID
    NO!!!!

    I wish for contentment.
    He gives much discontent.:**:

    No messages from MM today...has he got the message do you think?

    I'll be entering (pardon the pun), the local convent soon if this carries on much longer!!:>

  • Consumed: Gagging For It!

    Plants on the windowsills.
    Photos on the filing cabinets.
    Thanks on the walls.
    It's me, it is;I am back,
    Without a vengeance...not professionally anyway.But inside my head my thoughts are playing another tune:

    Knowing he's there is driving me crazy.
    Knowing he knows just stirs the lust;
    The anticipation.
    The explanation.
    The revelation.
    Just driving me crazy.

    It's only some time...less than full,
    More than half;
    To hell with the coffee;
    Let's return to dessert.
    Fucking:
    With shudders,
    With wetness,
    With harshness and desperation,
    With tightness and fight.

    Tumbling
    Bruising
    Shouting
    Delights...

    Finally falling into faithful feeling;
    Lives divorced yet closeness is healing

    Us both..
    languid loving, lingering longing,
    Kissing now coupled with rich embraces,
    Reaching inwards
    Watching his face
    As
    He
    Completely
    Consumes
    Me.

  • I Saw The Satellite? 1430 Hrs .Near Pendle Hill. Lancashire.

    Have you seen it?
    Sitting in a carpark outside a McDonalds not far from Bury and Haslingden in Lancashire....
    I looked at the sky.
    I love looking at the sky actually...and I watch planes and clouds all the time...drives my husband mad...
    but there I was with my fresh orange juice..which is all I can stomach from McDonalds...parked up..kids in the back...and...oh this is funny as I sound like a geek...but I just happened to have my binoculars with me....
    I watched a couple of planes...smoke trails behind them and then I saw this 'plane'... no smoke trail...and lower...much lower it appeared than the planes...or maybe bigger I don't know....but a 'plane' with no smoke trail...I looked...and watched and noticed the speed...a constant powerful smoothness in a single straight line..on and on and on..it looked too long for a plane...
    Binoculars..

    'Oh my God..it's the satellite,' I screeched...falling out of the car...binoculars knocking my eyeballs out...
    in my excitement, I opened the rear door for Budding Vet to see and she actually FELL OUT of the car and onto the tarmac!!! McDonalds milkshake still completely upright in her hand..not a drop spillt!!Anyone watching would have wondered when I was due back at the asylum!

    Right...this 'satellite' looked like a black and white coloured screwdriver. That's all I can think of to describe it. Travelling horizontally with the thinnest end pointing forwards.
    And...hub saw it too through binoculars....

    But..I've searched the web tonight and no sightings from that area!
    Please..has anyone else seen it?

  • What A Woman Like Me Needs.

    Yesterday....Bitch one attempted a truce.
    She has to, or it just won't work.

    Last night....I wanted more and he's busy tonight...and I hope he likes what I sent.

    Telephone this morning,
    Angel just knows.

    Floyd fan...I need , want , yearn, fantasise...and I need a bloody good fuck with passion and with grace and with shared belief.

    I walked today without discomfort or shyness..I'm back and the locality no longer threatens.

    Mr Estate Agent sent many messages this week which is kind but which annoys as he expects a response and when I don't he gets all close...and then distant.
    It drive me mad.

    Valentines message from the one I want...
    And from G-inc...
    Mansion Man....texts and texts...I am ducking and diving and I know my indifference fuels his desire,. Not sure he actually understand that!!
    But, I love intelligence and fun and passion and cannot bear the thought of joining the club of empty, beautiful, materialistic females who simper and do anything in the presence of one who has millions.
    It does not move me.

    I would enjoy the simple pleasures of one who found his way off the roundabout and onto the motorway towards the sea.
    Mutual driven passion is what is empty in me.

    I need passion.
    I need the strength.
    I need the closeness.
    I need the trust.
    I need the closeness, the warmth, the deepness...
    I need the stillness within an embrace after the noisy wet climax;
    I need the compassion;
    The fun;
    The sexiness;
    The dirtiness;
    The giggles and the sharp intake of sexy breath.
    I just need.

  • Brilliant day.

    Today, I had a brilliant day.
    Today, I absolutely loved my job, my vocation, my passion.
    Today, I felt the crowds parted as I walked through.
    Today, I knew I was back in control, knew I was appreciated, knew I was feared, knew I was annoying.
    Today, I knew I was a threat.
    Today, I knew I was not on a revenge mission...I would like that though but will not stoop...
    Today, I knew I had the ideas, the pace, the drive, the power.
    Today, I knew Deputy Chief.
    Today, I asked Dram outright about the email she ignored, the plea she ignored, the truce she ignored.
    Today, she said she wanted out. I hope she does.Betrayal is bitter from one who attended Christenings; from one whose despair I tried to help.One who I have shared time and dinner and fun and sorrow and New York and sweltering Pendle Hill.

    I want to rip up the photos..but will let her have them as a gift when she leaves...she will.
    Sportacus had a favourite toy....all over the world its been since he was 6 months old...I have removed it....she'll have that too.
    Kite on the beach.
    Husband from the internet.
    Heartbreak and secrets....

    The text when he proposed....I was in bed with the First Unfaithful.
    It cuts deeply that she left me, isolated me, abandoned me...she is shallow and worthless and I want the photos out of my house. I want the gift out of my house, away from my boy...and she will have them; she will have them all.

    Other news....
    Texts and desires from Mansion Man....I am silent....
    I think of someone who sent me a message today and a lovely poetic reflection he wrote to the world.
    I want to feel him and to know him.
    He is but a name on a screen.
    An author of words.
    A sender of beautiful, but few messages..
    A confidante, a keeper of future desire.
    A listener....
    The Listeners...Walter De La Mere.
    One of few favorites....
    Just one...
    For me.

  • Facts. Allegations. The Winner Writes.

    I stated some facts today infront of a very appropriate audience and then wrote everything down.
    I stated how I had not be accountable for many things. She sat and she stared and she went red.
    No one achieved eyecontact...now, is this the right place? The right people? But you see, I have collected my evidence, thriftily and I have waited and waited and kept my head down and waited some more.
    My tears and anger with all the injustice was filtered back today...to Chieftain Two. She's good. Very.
    My accussor has dug a deep hole...it's still filling.
    I have confided in Rb who has listened and advised.I cried a little but he waited and waited...and listened some more.
    I followed his advice.

    So...I listed the allegations.
    I listed the truths and the untruths.I expressed concern about my smooth return. I stated I believed mis information was being used to suggest my inability...

    I sent the email to Chieftain Two.
    Now I wait.

    Bitch One's dossier grows by the day. Not my dossier, someone else. My diary becomes more amazing every day...should be publishing that!!!
    Bitch Two is still having an eye contact problem.

    But the email is done.
    The facts.
    The facts.
    An inner strength has filtered through me...don't know when or how...but it was recent.Sometimes I feel it leave my body. I do not panic as I know it returns. My soul of strength, she returns.When she knows I need her and I can display her well.

    And the loyalty from the wonderful people just strengthens and strengthens....

    And the woman who remains steadfast and calm and dignified will overcome all of this. And she will win.

  • Calm Waters and Screaming Words.

    This place used to be mine.
    This room,
    This desk.

    Those windows used to mine.
    Yes, even that one, the one that can't close.
    The broken one.

    Those posters are mine.
    Those photos.
    Mine.
    My children, not theirs.

    My space has even vanished.
    My air.
    My movement and poise.

    My phone is empty, silent.
    My mind though;
    My mind is full.
    It churns and whirrs and splices and remembers and tumbles and stops and tiptoes...but it's mine.
    Not theirs.
    Not hers.

    I am back and they are desperate to keep me confined.
    Desperate to contain me.
    Frightened of what I say.
    Frightened of what I tell.
    Frightened of who I confide in.
    Frightened of what I confide.

    Upset and filled with tearful anger earlier.
    I left the building with tears streaming and so much anger...
    But I have written.
    I have logged.
    I have reflected.
    I have talked to Angel.
    I have talked to Calmness also and she was lovely.

    No one from the top has said I must go.
    No one from the top has said I am incompetent.
    No one from the top blames me.
    No one from the top has been cold and calculating.

    And how she must squirm and writhe in her own lies of deceit.
    How she must worry and how she must prepare for such a huge threat.

    Bitch two scurries around and the Young one knows who to keep sweet when a job is going.
    They are within inches of her space,
    ...a cloying sickly space.

    My day has been less poisonous,yet I know more will come.
    More will come.

    One day at a time.
    One day at a time.

    How they react to me;
    How they behave to me is a reflection of themselves and their own self worth.
    It is not a reflection of me.
    It is not.
    It is not.
    It is not.
    Hazel eyes stare back.
    Mine.

  • Poison

    Trying so hard to stay calm.
    Positive.
    Dignified.
    But the sea of poison she has thrown upon everything threatens to drown me.
    Sitting here stupidly letting the tears fall.
    Sitting here knowing I can, I can , I can.
    Just be brave and strong...remember all that positive and wonderful encouragement.
    From here.
    From Angel too.

    Jack even said, there would be hard times ahead...it's happening now.
    Hurting so much and I know it makes me stronger to embrace it, encompass it.
    Just can't quite perform the Birdsong either. He's so strong and so fine and can forgive...I can't. Please believe me when I say I have tried.
    My heart is just wrenching and I can barely breathe.
    But I will not not not give in.
    I won't.
    I know that...no matter how much I have to endure...I will not give in;
    capitulate into rantings.

    Not sitting pretty.
    My mascara runs.
    Black tears...
    Just another day..another day....
    and Angel...she's there. She's back tomorrow....with me.

  • Why Do We Do It?

    Why do we blog?
    For me it's been hugely theraputic and calming.
    Yes, if my husband saw it we'd divorce.
    If my 'ex-friends' saw it I could face disciplinary at work.
    If my past lovers could see it, they would not like it perhaps.
    But I still do it.

    So why do you?

  • Today 7th Feb 08.

    Today...my boy was smiley when I left him, my girl too.
    Today, I felt the room was mine...little Plurals did too.
    Today, told them about the war 91-95...they felt every word.
    The newspapers glued on the ground...with blood
    The female corpse in the river...watch still on her wrist..
    A child's shoe..
    Cannisters of water,
    Loaves of bread...and running...
    Mass graves and watching darkness...

    Today, they felt the horror and melted,
    Today they learnt that Torvill and Dean had won their Gold in a decaying stadium where our boys..and girls...had slept,
    Today they felt they could answer and respond.

    Today, I knew I was in control.
    Today, they did too.
    Today...I have no lover.
    Today I have not responded ...again...to MM...I just can't...
    Today I have read and re read news from The Fan...
    Today Mr Estate Agent asked me if I loved him.
    Today, as in all other days , I said no.
    Today, I accused him again of drunk bravery and he has retreated...

    Tonight, I fell asleep when I came home...so drained...children busy...they brought me gifts.
    Tonight, I missed him...
    Tonight, I think of what may be....

  • Egg shells...

    My room.
    My keys.
    My desk.
    My noticeboard...
    And it's being filled slowly...with my identity....
    lovely little Plurals love it...and so do I.

    Angel is back Monday...oh joy. Power and reputation...in fact I should say our reputation IS our power.

    Enveloped inside the four walls of bright minds. Beautiful.

    Top Authority called me in today. Just lovely.
    Supportive.
    Frank.
    Kind.
    Professional.
    Compassionate!

    He is a very lovely...dare I say...absolutely sexy man...but...the Top guy and he's got my respect..I believe he has mine too.

    In fact...there was a point when I knew if I achieved eye contact...I would cry...so..I didn't at that point and held it together!

    Still a battle in parts...
    The place is a wreck,
    A bombsite...
    No order,
    No control,

    It maketh me smile!!!

    And I stand back...
    I watch..
    I wait..
    And see.

  • Today...Dignified Silent Power.

    Today, I sang as I heaved my bags out of the car.
    Today, I instigated conversation,presence, me.
    Today, Angel was there. We smiled and knew others were watching; some happy, most definitely not so...
    Today, Deputy Authority was told all, by me...she knew and she supported.
    Today, Bitch one is so scared....I remain dignified.
    Today, Bitch two is feeling the pressure...I remain even more dignified.
    Today, Budding Vet gave a gift she'd made for Chinese New Year; will wear it tomorrow and the day after.
    Today, I rallied the troops.
    Today, I took the direct approach...disarmed them.
    Today, I found out about a fucking petition!!!
    Today, I felt I was really back.
    Today, I did it again...yep...by text...but I want to walk away.
    Today, I read a special mail and told him I was not telling him off, but life in the fast lane is perhaps better than a suite in Hotel California.
    Today, I knew that Time was of the essence.
    Today I knew I would never feel Comfortably Numb either...it's not my style!
    Today, I realised just how right I was....she was...the way they behave is a reflection of themselves; their weaknesses; their discomfort; just not a reflection of you...dignified you.

  • I Want, I Want, I Want.

    I want to shout at someone.
    I want to tell him to stop going around the roundabout.
    I want an ardent and passionate and sexually charged lover.
    I want to spend fortunes on knickers.
    I want to fuck him in my boots.
    I want to feel his gaze...and more...across my bottom!
    I want to hear him as he kisses me.
    I want to feel his tongue and his teeth around my nipples.
    I want to taste him and tell him when...
    I want to feel his hard cock opening me.
    I want him hard and deep inside me.
    I want him pushing and driving and consuming all of me.
    I want to beg him to stop and then beg him for more.
    I want to claw at the sheets when I cum.
    I want to tighten and then release.
    I want to sweat.
    I want to feel wet.
    I want to soak the bed.
    I want to feel his urgency.
    I want to feel his desire.
    I want to absorb his orgasm.
    I want to shout.
    I want to smile.
    I want him to have all of me.

  • Stockings In The Snow.

    She knew she shouldn't, but she did.

    She showered and moisturised and dressed.
    She dried and brushed and applied.
    She gazed into the hazel eyes staring back, no questions, no qualms.

    Her stockings waiting, carefully placed over the chair until she smoothed and gently lifted the delicate final attire,
    gently stretching them;
    gently opening them;
    gently slipping inside them;
    perfectly fitting them;
    encasing her legs with the 'barely black' sheen.

    Hazel eyes still looked back at her every time she glanced in the mirror, balancing into her high heels; she knew he preferred those to her boots.
    Glancing at the clock, she knew he'd been travelling over an hour already with almost another two to go,just for her.Just for two hours with her.
    She knew she should feel elated.
    She knew she should feel special.
    She knew she did not.

    All she knew was the craving to be kissed;
    to be held;
    to be undressed;
    to be next to him, underneath him, on top of him;
    to be explored by him;
    to be spanked by him;
    to be well and truly fucked by him.

    That was it.
    That was all she knew.

    She could not wait, she needed it now. Then, she could walk away...easily; ridiculously easily considering how much contact he had with her, how much he had rearranged to be with her.
    Until...well, until she finally had that coffee?
    Until she finally met the silent, yet eloquent one?
    Until then?
    Until then?
    Until....she hoped so; he consumed her already and the headiness of anticipation was as distractive as it was destructive.

    Lube and sex toys zipped away, she drove. For an hour she drove, her craving was that strong.
    Through the grit, the snow, the rain...then the snow again.

    Finally, parked up outside the huge elegant building she waited as hailstones hit her car with contempt...sighing, just a small sigh she pushed the eloquent one out of her mind. His words, 'We find human touch wherever that may be,' receding now.

    Her phone rang, she smiled...went along with his humour. Noted the floor, the suite, the name...

    Stepping out into the sharp cold, she knew how vulnerable she could be; stockings in the snow.
    No icy temperatures could lower her warmth, her desire, her passion, her craving...
    Gliding shut, the lift took her to the top floor, the very top. Again, she knew how she felt, or perhaps more noticeably, how she did not.

    Opening the door into audacious, vast, elegance he greeted her with his so familiar voice, his so familiar words.
    'Hello, my Passion, let me pour you a glass, it's your favourite; I want you in your stockings.'

  • Those Questions.

    I've seen these in a couple of posts now.....and both in my friends posts too, so I thought I'd give them a go. I do find things like this hard sometimes.

    What is your greatest fear?
    My children dying before I do.

    What is your earliest memory?
    Sitting on the top of the big Silver Cross pram and green railings along the path.

    Aside from property what is the most expensive thing you bought?
    Probably paying for the wedding, honeymoon.

    What would your super power be?
    To be hugely organised as far as I am concerned, and to help people who were unhappy by knowing they were unhappy as far as other people are concerned.

    If you could edit your past, what would you change?
    My parents.

    Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?
    Yes.

    What is the closest you've come to death?
    Driving on the motorway and not concentrating. I had to swerve back into a lane. I felt it had been close.

    How would you like to be remembered?
    As someone who inspired. As someone who loved. As someone who could be loved.

    What is the most important lesson life has taught you to date?
    To trust and value those who betray and deceive must never happen again and that my children are the most special and beautiful things; I must look after them.

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