I've often thought about this. Well, sometimes I do not think about it at all...it's as though I remain in a vacuum..then, other times it consumes me. So, I've decided to list why I think I do it. Why I have this desire or craving or lust to have sex, close, intimate,beautiful, whole-hearted sex with men whom sometimes I barely know, sometimes I have spent six months getting to know, or with the men whom I call lovers as I have known them for a while and would always return to their bed if they asked me...because I feel something tangible and emotional with them; a connection....

Furthermore, as a woman, why is it I feel or expect to be judged more than the unfaithful husband? Would an unfaithful husband sit here and contemplate like this? Would an unfaithful husband expect the barrage of disapproval I expect...in people's hearts..not just in their words?

With a lover I enjoy kissing. It's erotic and beautiful and incredibly intimate.
I feel admired and I feel sexy. How can I put this: it staggers me that a man finds me so sexy and so desirable and wants to kiss every part of me; wants to lick every part of me; wants to experience and look at every part of me.
Many times I have been flattered about the 'style' 'harmony' 'intimacy' 'uninhibited' attitude I have towards sex. Please understand I am not a Karma Sutra expert!..I just enjoy the 'connection' with a 'like minded' soul... and that is so hard to find. When I find it I give my all. I actually give up my soul I think and as I grow older and wiser I am careful to avoid the leap into love that I made with Darcy. This has protected me and has helped me to keep my passion undiluted and special.
I cannot and will not share my bed with any available man.
Connection. There, I've said it again.
Connection with G. He's still around and I know the comfort with him will be lovely if we ever combat the time and distance, yet I can talk to him as a friend without discomfort...even if we never share a bed again.
Connection with FF. Too special to dissect here. Intelligent and passionate and in my heart. I am thankful for the Pennines etc creating the distance as I know that we would be short-lived otherwise! Too tempting and we'd be in trouble so soon...
The Director: a very physical, uninhibited  yet intelligent and articulate connection with a caring nature and a frequency allowed through reasonable locality. A dark horse, I don't need to know more.
No name.
History slowly day by day...he has much to lose and has already been stung...big time.
Yet I crave what we have and what we can create.
I crave the comfort of gentle...and self-centred!!!...G.
I yearn for the warmth and passion and intelligent conversation of FF...there is indeed a connection I never wish to risk breaking. His few words of reason that filter through restore me and guide me. Placate me. I miss him...and no one else at all...except Darcy who has sealed himself away and can never be refound.

I find what I need.
I take it.
I enjoy it.
I give it back.
An endless game of giving and receiving.
 Kept in check.
Kept in secret.
My emotions are played with yet no one else's must be.

I cannot think of anything else now...I hope someone somewhere out there understands...even just a little.