Prettyintelligentprincess

Here is the simmering sun.
Here is the cold rain.
Here is the love of my boy.
Here is the calm of my girl.
Here is the crashing of water.
Here is the silence of thought.
Here are the pictures in my head.
Here is where compartments are closed.
Here is the laughter of games.
Here is the sting of sunburn.
Here is the soothing breeze.
Here is a whirling mind.
Here is a wonderful dream.
Here is where I am. Here is where I can breathe.
Here is where I miss you.
Here is where I think of him.
Here is where I can be no one.
Here is where I breathe.
Here is the place that cocoons me.
Here...
Here, inside me.

It's been so hot. i have a fab tan already! Little bit of rain today. France is in touch regularly. Very close already. May not be good. He is so intense. Ite had two silent orgasms with him so far. Rather tricky under canvas! Lovely time with the children too. Back soon. X

We sleep separately. Snuggled in the single sleeping bag! I miss FF. Amidst the surf, the Vw's and dudes its a lovely place. I miss the comfort of passionate adoring sex. My husband refused me tonight.
And some of you wonder why I am an adulteress.

Hey Bardot

I do understand.

I do think of you.

Often.

And often in the throes of orgasm.

Often on your knees before me.

Have a lovely holiday dearest Bardot.

Miss you

FFxxxxx

Sitting here...beginning to ache (my arms especially),listening to beautiful finch singing away in the garden and the melody of 'Spirit' dvd floating downstairs from the children's playroom.
I've a stack of things to do and struggling to find the motivation.
Pack the cases.
Pop to the bank.
Venture into the supermarket.
Then the mundane cleaning and tidying...washing etc.
Ensure adequate supply of food for the fish, cat and gerbils whilst we are away...the neighbour always helps out.
Then a computer-free fortnight away in the middle of nowhere in the fresh air with a different view.
I may find myself accessing the internet via my mobile!
France is in regular contact and I'm determined not to appear needy over IP...so I wait. Don't get me wrong, I thanked him yesterday but that's it.
I need head space.
I need the open spaces to breathe deeply in.
I need lots of things yet I must think now what it is my children need; my family need from me.

I'll sign off now.
Perhaps a quickie before bed tonight; otherwise it'll be quiet from me for a while until I re-emerge and return.

Be warned: very honest and adults only!

Ligature indentations still on my wrists and my ankles...slight bruising on my neck which I'm hiding also from being bound...
The shoplifting scene was too giggly and was abandoned...My wrists were tied above my head...secured by the door and he kissed me; long and deep...he began to undress me...'I'll fuck you in my own time' he murmured in response to my impatient protestations and pushed me back against the door, releasing me only to change into my 'stolen' lingerie. I changed, re-emerged and was told to kneel infront of him...delicious doing head, I love it.

I had to beg him to fuck me in the end...I held out for such a long time, but in the end he won. Three times he made me ask. He had caressed and kissed and licked and sucked and taken advantage of my prostrate pose until I had been on the brink of orgasm for so long...I was shaking.

His fingers inside me, his cock inside me as he slowly entered me...teasing me, bit by bit.
He had not even started thrusting when I came, hard and intense, calling out his name which frighteningly seemed like second nature! Then he showed rather a lot of stamina and fucked hard and deep, enjoying the feel of everything inspite of the sensible protection. Fantastic dirty talk filled my ears as he told me unspeakable things; engorging all my sex again as I shuddered hard as I climaxed again, shouting out and feeling him pour his lust inside me.

The next time is stilll blurred as it mingled into the first and my body was almost floating above me with pleasure and want and need.

But not the third time.After lunch and coffee.
Hands above my head. Wrists tied. Then brought under my chin and tied together! Then, still attached to the same ligature other loops tightened around my ankles and another attached piece from my ankles up to my chin...but beautifully tight and sensuous between my bottom with a knot pressing into my clit every time I moved...

Then, commanded to raise myself up on all fours, the spanking began...and THAT cream...definitely recommend it! Fun and so sensuous...
I was utterly at his mercy, but I trusted him and felt safe.

Again and again he possessed me physically and mentally. My legs still feel weak now!
Completely horny.
Completely rude.
Completely what I needed!!!

I'm so going to ache the day after tomorrow!

PS. Am I seeing him again? I'm not obsessed enough to be lamenting and wishing and texting every five minutes. If he wishes to, then so be it. I'll let you know!

France is a prospective lover.
In fact, I know he will be sometime in the future which is strange as things are heating up for the first meet with IP tomorrow. But France has been in touch and we've spoken a couple of times.
He will be 'sustainable', 'solid', 'reliable' whereas I know that IP will not be when he tires of the chase, the conquest, the submission to his dominant demands. But it's bloody exciting and I will be exploiting the situation fully!

I still miss the passionate wisdom and the beauty of the sex and lovemaking with FF...but that must remain sealed now as I fear he has vanished for some time.

The Director has domestic issues and I do not lament. It was good while it lasted; excellent in fact.

Lingerie under my coat tomorrow when I arrive at the door...hope to God it is not as warm tomorrow!!!!...the 'stolen' goods in my bag;I am so excited!!!

Note to self: must remember a change of clothes including knickers to drive home in!

...I made it. Cards, flowers and wine...all well at The Building Of Betrayal; she is making a massive effort. Paid for everyone at the pub today too...

Loaded up the car.
Unloaded it at home.
Then off to a particular sex toy specialist in the local town...hoping not to be seen, recognised, spoken too...

Well that happened 100 yards away from the entrance...I think I got away with it.
Sauntered in and the assistant was so bright and cheery...God, maybe I actually looked like a shoplifter!
Beautiful gorgeous lingerie...I could spend a fortune...but I don't have a fortune to spend right now with the family holiday looming...
wandered to the 'naughty' section at the back....
perused the lubes..blimey, there are loads of them. Beautiful array of toys, but I'm okay on that front and they cost a bomb too!
Then I saw something that caught my eye and made me smile...Spank Cream! I loved the design of the packaging, a classy, voluptuous 1940/50 s lady..almost naked! Cream that warms and helps the sensation of over the knee activity as well as another that soothes over the knee activity...
How very naughty!
I can't wait!

I have a cold.
My nose is just dripping!
My throat is tickly and sore.
I am shivery and yet flushed.
I need lots of sleep and lots of steamy sex....

Taking my vitamins and avoiding the Merlot!
Back to work still tomorrow...and then...

The joy of Thursday looms; the joy of sex and not a Lemsip in sight!

Typically, I've started with a cold and sore throat as the adrenalin diminishes and the body subconsciously winds down. Not going to look very sexy though is it on Thursday!
Bitch has clearly had a personality transplant, which I'm going along with, and which has helped my mood tremendously, with no feelings of being threatened. I feel comfortable which is good.
Managed to get a fair bit completed today, yet I know I'll need to re-enter the building during summer to actually stay ahead of the game, which is my usual thing as the peace and solitude allows time to complete things that need to be completed before the Day of Reckoning.
I got a little daring last night. (Let's just be honest...I was a little tipsy!)
It entailed me standing naked in the kitchen and taking some photos!
Sent one to G...oh why, oh why...but he has texted me ALL DAY and we had a date for this Wednesday but I had completely forgotten. Not really suitable considering I'm having a shoplifting debrief Thursday afternoon! I've graciously declined.
Mansion Man has been asking for a photo for weeks and so I sent him one! He was very thankful indeed and is flying off to his place tomorrow with a little smile I suspect.
France...who I spoke to for the first time last night, could not receive the photo and I've promised to upload and send it...lovely conversation but I may have to tell you later about it. So many private and personal words about his life and I'm absolutely spot on with the very sensitive soul bit...a life touched by tragedy no one would wish for.
The Director is just not receiving...so to speak...
Then IP.... Cool customer. Calm yet passionate. Paradox epitomised.
I have been a good girl and have fulfilled my 'tasks' this week! (I actually fibbed about one.)
I've another tomorrow, to be completed by a particular o'clock!
They fill my mind with ravishing lust for him..it's ridiculous!
Nothing sinister, very simple and straightforward.
I believe the shoplifting debrief may involve me being bound at some point. I find the prospect exciting and completely nerve-wracking too in a sexy way though!
The childcare is arranged...I just need to purchase the goods I'm accused of 'shoplifting.'
Then the usual salon trip and hair and nails...and the stomach churning drive down the motorway...

Amy Winehouse's 'Back to Black' is just so bloody good...as well as the bonus CD.

Love 'You know I'm no good..' Kind of like me on a bad day! As well as 'Back To Black'...

Oooooooohhhhh...sends me all shivery!!!!!

Getting ready for the final few days at the Building of Betrayal. Getting ready emotionally and physically; I'm so tired and facing her is such a drain on my calm exterior and an incredible turmoil inside my mind and inside my heart.
I will have a full, bursting few days with little room for manoeuvre and no 'me' time at all.
Then two days for some precious time for solitude and also that time when Indecent Proposal becomes more than words. I've slotted an afternoon in for him and his commanding, domineering ways. Shoplifting has never appeared so appealing!
Then time away with the family, where I'll melt into the usual roles with the usual expectations. I'll not be fretting and anxious over others on the end of a text or email. I'm wanting to just be me and to concentrate on those around me.

Having the space to breathe, I'll not feel the yearning for the sordid sweat of adulterous sex. That can wait...just for a couple of weeks...

Warm and damp in bed this morning, radiating sexy relief through the cold marital duvet, I lay flushed and relaxed. Heart pounding after sexy solo erotic play;(brilliant hangover cure), he was in my mind and his voice in my head. Smiling, secretly snuggling under the duvet, I smothered a self-conscious giggle remembering I'd actually gone and done it; I'd said shouted his name as I'd climaxed! And you know what? It was as horny as hell!

Message pops up on the phone, one of the girlfriends with whom I was celebrating last night, 'Thanks for a great night x'
Settling back onto the pillow, another message vibrates through, no doubt she'd added some quirky comment.

It was him. Indecent Proposal, indecently proposing a chat. Blushing, feeling I'd been caught out...I agreed and he rang.
Delightful conversation and I then confessed and we both laughed
From the store room of the local village tennis club he fantastically fucked me again across the satellite connection with the sound of the hard rain in the background.
'I want to hear you, say it...'
He's an eloquent male.
He's demanding and sensuous and I know our first meeting will be highly charged.
Conversation filled with intelligent talk and observations and reflections, desires and events, marital mundaneness and the complexities and beauty of children followed; still the beating of the rain.
Tennis lesson over.
Guise of future lover reversed quickly back to that of waiting father.
''till next time, can't wait to meet you.'

I have nothing to worry about.
I do my job properly.
I know I have support.

She has lied infront of all the top people, yet they KNOW she has lied, however it's now an official bench mark.

She will trip up.
She will hang herself.
I will continue as I have been doing and I know it will come good in the end.

I'm not giving up.
I've made a real effort with her, spoken to her more and tried to be more interested in what she has to say.
I will epitomise the 'Super-efficient' colleague who gives no cause for complaint.

And then I will wait...continue to wait.

'I had an apartment in ____It had pillars within. Old whiskey warehouse maybe. You are tied to one of the pillars.
Almost naked.
Heels on.
Breasts exposed.
Pussy and arse exposed.
I look into your eyes as I feel your clitoris and then move inside your pussy with my fingers...
But that's not what I really intend to do.
You have been a bad girl and I will be punishing you.

I massage your bottom and then begin to spank it with my hand and my belt...
I can see your flesh becoming red under my palm...

I lower your arms, just low enough so you are leaning towards me....
Just the right angle for my cock to fill your mouth...I begin to fuck you...your mouth and you choke...you choke. Breathless...

I will cum in...'

Then the voicemail woman cut in and told me what I had to do to save/delete/replay the message!!!

AAAaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advised to be silent, yet told I have been too quiet.
Told I'm not doing my job..by her.
Listening silently and compassionatly...by him.
She rants about my illness and about my lack of communication.
I remain silent.
He listens.
Squares and squares of doodles cover his paper.
I freeze.
Can't talk.
Tears well.
She lies.
And lies.
Lies some more.
I feel helpless.
Yet the silence is calm, theraputic almost.
There is something here that is invisible to me.
It will all come out in the wash...

IP has told me in no uncertain terms I am a demanding girl who will be spanked as punishment! MMmmmm deliciously indecent indeed. He enjoyed my orgasm last night and listened to it on his car speakers!!! (Is that what you blokes do?) I'm smiling as there will be people reading this who do EXACTLY that!

As well as this, I received an unbelievably assertive text from him earlier today; he's completely reeling me in and I'm hooked.

It's dreadfully exciting and is providing a very welcome distraction to the intensity of my life right now. The insanity of it keeps my sanity.

Playing tonight before Hub came home...(IP tells me I'm playing for him apparently - I'll let him believe that for now), he listened to check I was following his instructions! I have to ...oh god I can't believe I'm telling you, but I'm positive that some of you will be quite comfortable and even experienced with this...but, I am required to say his name when I climax! I'm actually giggling at the moment, but what can I say? It's an almighty turn on and I believe that may be driven by the fact I'm quite strong-willed and have NEVER felt compelled to follow instructions like this before. I've not even met him yet!

It's exciting.
It's utterly different to my 'normal' behaviour.
It's pushing my boundaries without any physical contact.

He's already devised the scenario for next week. I'm a respectable middle-class lady who just happens to wander into Agent Provocateur and becomes very embarrassed about paying for goods. Therefore I steal them ( I would NEVER do that in real life..I would pay, but anyway),I must have the 'stolen goods' in my bag.
Once I knock on the door, he will take it from there in the guise of a rather domineering security man. The 'stolen goods' are: One vibrator, lube, sexy lingerie...
I will be as nervous as hell...but the sex will be very explosive. I can sense that already.

Tell me, who out there enjoys a bit of role play?
Demandingly yours,
Pip x

IP has sent messages today. Rather calm yet incredibly sexy combined. Interesting paradox. We've spoken twice and heard the lowering of tone as we become aroused and intrigued, yet trying to remain sexily polite. Another paradox!
Finally, this evening I just had to play...again...and sent him an audio sample of pleasure...hard, overwhelming and poundingly released.
Throwing my body back and falling onto the crumpled duvet; lying back and trying to breathe calmly, fully clothed and sweat drenching my body underneath the pretty blouse and the straight skirt...
High heeled legs akimbo and the drumming of my heartbeat in my ears.
Oh God I needed that!
Struggling to stand and to regain composure as I gently return downstairs to begin the domestic routine.
Children laughing in the garden; climbing, fighting and running.
'Can't catch me!'
Husband arrives home.
'You okay love? You look a bit flushed.'

Indecent proposal indecently proposed a scenario yesterday. A role-play; a game.
In fact I was reading the graphic contents when Bitch came into my room and tried to look...poor thing.
He is certainly desiring 'control'. I'm just playing along at the moment and I am intrigued. He wanted to meet today instead of waiting until next week.
I said no. Logistics basically.
The Director is slipping into the past. I can't hold out indefinitely and he's busy on the domestic front.
France contacted me all the way from A___ and is certainly a vulnerable emotional soul.
Mansion Man chatted away for almost an hour last night and was pleasant...then I slipped into bed and was greeted by a husband who wanted sex so two minutes later we fell asleep.

No racing heart.
But at least he was satisfied and I had no desire to be awkward. I get so much more pleasure from my toys though!

A week and two days before Indecent Proposal is indecent and I'm not very excited yet.
Yet I yearn for the sexy heat of lustful sex and the dirty words of fucking as I'm being fucked.
No passionate heart anymore.

Let's just play the game.

Indecent Proposal has a lovely voice and is certainly an intelligent, articulate man. Married (aren't they all!)...children and a wife who...no longer discusses sex apparantly, never mind has it. He has had lovers before and is seeking one now. Professional male..again works for himself, again has his own successful firm, again has the same vocation as Darcy and even worked for the same employers as Darcy in the early days...appears that old firm of Price and Water and House and Cooper (in no particular order), teaches people their trade quite well...before they move on.

No more hairslide scenarios ever.
Discretion assured and fantasies played.
He's an interesting combination of The Director, Darcy and even FF actually! We've only spoken the once..it lasted for nearly two hours though...and I'm relaxed and not yearning for him. That is a good sign as I know I can control my feelings and not become too close.I am using my compartment method well and my beautiful feelings for those I hold dear are still carefully hidden away, wrapped in soft tissue paper...waiting patiently.

Our conversation flowed very well indeed. Natural and effortless with nothing particularly rude. Everything rather philosophical and fun.

France is flying away to A_____ for a couple of weeks and wants to keep in touch. He sounds really sweet, but he may become too close I suspect.

The Director is ensuring his house is in order and he must have been incredibly burnt in the past when he was discovered by a former spouse. He's very, very naughty actually and I believe has a compulsion for adultery no matter how high the stakes. However, I do understand completely when he says one would/could never do to one's spouse what one could/would do with a lover. IP has the same type of pattern...as does FF..as did Darcy. Probably Mansion Man too...who is going to some exotic, private island soon and has no concept of just how lucky he is!!! He's always working though. He works and works and enjoys what he has earned.

But for me, time to relax and reflect as I know the date is set and now I prepare and wait...and if The Director resurfaces when his facade is once more pure, then I'll deal with that as and when.

I approach the Building Of Betrayal with new vigour and thrive on the fact that Bitch has not succeeded with her game plan. A short time now until my well-deserved time away from the nest of vipers.

Long may I reign.

Planes fell out of the sky again in my dream last night...it was balanced on a tall island and then fell deeply into the ocean, breaking in half...Flames as it fell. Young One was on it...cycling journeys and trying to survive melted into an exhausting dream.

Many more exhausting events at The Building Of Betrayal. She wants and wants and wants. She thrives on angst and hates it when people are harmonious. When Bitch goes I will drink champagne..on site....and I will rejoice. That day will come. Never ever complain from the top down..it's always upwards...complain and gripe up the chain of command...
Bitch has much to learn.
Red eyes from a meeting.
Aggression in her tone.
I will never deliver or feel compassion for her.

Professional , yes.
Weeping and in need of friendship and understanding...no.

Tonight, Indecent Proposal talked as he wandered through country lanes and onto village cricket pitches.
He wants me and is ensnared by my independence, confrontation and questionning.
It's rather turned him on!

I know we will meet and I feel excited about the prospect, less than a fortnight away. The Director laments and is being careful. I will stay out of the way, yet I suspect we will meet again.

I miss the one who flirts and plays; who is across the Pennines and still I wonder if the entwining of white sheets will ever feel so comforting again...I miss that, the warmth of the sunlight and the inner yearning of what must not be.

I miss him more than he knows.

I miss him.

I'm not patient.
I'm tired of being patient.
He's jetting about here and there, checking on the minions that provide the means to his lifestyle...and I am impatient of being patient.
We have a fuck date set for next week...and I'm still impatient.
Hence my little growing diversion...sexy mail from one who wishes to administer some gentle sexy firm guidance! Mmmmm...
He looks lovely and, most importantly, writes very well.

He's offering some indecent proposals.
He knows I'm still infront of The Director's chair.
He says he will have me.

I suspect that just may be.

PS Mansion Man has made a business offer! Really. A serious one...curiouser and curiouser.

This is a vibrant, sexy, steamy colour as I feel steamy and I need sex.
NOW!!!!
Reading the equally steamy mail from Tradescantia (AKA The Director), I'm completely wet the whole time. Really, I could never go knickerless these days as my lovely warm juices would have nowhere  to go!

Must pop to Marks for some new lingerie!!!

Darcy,
beautiful, lovely Darcy.
Watching the Abbey Road sessions and Hard-Fi popped on...he bought me their first album. So..several alcoholic beverages into the night you understand...I send a text to the number burnt in my brain...burnt searingly into my memory.
Blah blah Hard-Fi Blah Blah....
I've not texted him in ages...like months...like almost a year (I hope!)
I've been so so good as I honestly believed he had a different number so I've just been good and not texted like a lunatic as I just don't want to cause him any strife.
But I sent it and felt myself cringe with my stupidity.
Then...
a reply.
Short.
Sweet.
Kisses.
Enough....
I have smiled and I have cried and I feel deep sadness now and a wrenching that is pulling at my heart so much. It frustrates me that I cannot control this inner turmoil that has now surfaced.
Once again the painful patchwork of healing must start over.
This is when I yearn for warm arms, closeness, tenderness and words of love.
The silence is deafening and tumultuous.
Strange times and I strive to cease to cling to him.
I wish I could slice out the deepness of feeling within me.
For he is deeply within yet I cherish that he is.

Happy Birthday to you both from the Princess who will send a kiss and a wish from the top of her tower...and she may also wave a flag!

Love
Pip x

Work is weird right now.
Cycleman definitely cannot see the line that Young One has drawn.
Young One has redrawn it, yet he is blind.
Bitch seems to be at a loss without all the back stabbing and unprofessionalism. Clearly, clearly,clearly she has been warned!
I'm still remaining calm and professional and I remain strong.
This made me smile; Bitch 2 is coming in to 'see her friends' next week. How desperate must she be. Not a good sign when you are hankering to return so soon after leaving. It's not like the Building Of Betrayal is on her doorstep. However, I will remain calm and serene as advised by Angel.

Weird weather:storms and hot sun, dark clouds and blue skies have been juggling for power today. Loud thunder several times. Watched the first rumblings with black skies with Sportacus from the uppermost window; he was excited and kept jiggling around! He was 'fantastic' at school by the way! Another relief.

Life on the marital front is also weird.
I cannot imagine life without him.
I know I would struggle with the children without him.
I need to focus on the good and the positive as it does outweigh the negative.
I resisted his suggestive fumblings in the marital bed this morning. I have no yearning for him.

Weirdly waiting for The Director.
He has sent mail and is very concerned I should seek satisfaction with others. Well, I won't right now as I actually do not have the time, energy or desire. What he has and what he is, is the perfect product for my lust and dirty desires; his match mine wickedly and our time in the hotel room sates my sexual greed, yet he would not satisfy me with dinner, with coffee, with talk and thoughts and glances. Nor would he satisfy me for a whole night,lying beside me. I would not desire his company at breakfast and I would not bear to kiss him slowly, lingeringly and tenderly goodbye before we went our separate ways. He would not receive that beautiful backward glance as he walked away.

A warm August day still beckons for some of that.

A weird warm August day perhaps?

Tickets to London.
Trains and escalators down long glass corridors,
Looking over her shoulder, smiling.
Slowly filling with raindrops - the phone,
Pressing the buttons that won't press - the phone.
Nothing works and then she's alone.

Escalators melting into stairs.
Trains melting into horses and carriages.
She's evolving and is seated in the back of the black cab.
London views melting into grimey seaside cheapness.

An unwelcome friend has influenced her, the one who was smiling.
Unsmilingly, they leave the black cab and leave her alone.
Naked and alone.
Perched high on the elevated back seat for all to see.

Solitude is shattered as the large, rough men climb in.
All they want is to know that the fight will happen.
'Will the fight happen?'
'Will it?'
'Where?'

Murmuring her assent,
They dissolve away.

She looks down upon the greenery of lawns and gardens and fenced domesticity from her soaring view.
She swoops as she flies.
She floats, fluttering butterflies

Inside her.
Searching and wanting
And not seeing the sky.
The earth is all below
Upon which she never lands.

So busy.
Conducted performance review of The Young One today She is fabulous.
Cycleman has now asked her...after it was established during the 'Stalking issue' that she would not...but has now re-asked her to go to N _ _. She has professionally declined and reminded him of before...Utterly so lacking the full impact of everything earlier. He just can't see and how on earth he expects leadership to agree...well...I'll say no more. Colt appears to be being 'groomed'. Need to watch that. She's easily led.

Bitch is being civil and the strain she is exhibiting is frightening.

Words from The Director and his words are certainly simmering. The next audition may be rather wild I suspect.
I am desperate for some hearty romping with sexily fuelled ideas, desires, language and raw audacity.

Life at home is calm as though nothing untoward ever happened.

Mansion man still flutters the odd message and I'm not moved.

Something approaching distanced jealousy reared as I read words yesterday. I know it's a superfluous feeling yet a gentle stabbing of the heart ensued.

Little Sportacus has his first taster of school on Friday and I worry as this week he has shown many emotional signs of separation anxiety which he has never exhibited before. Spoke to the appropriate people tonight...
My heart breaks when he clings to me and won't let go.
'Please don't go mummy, please don't go mummy, please don't go mummy,' sobbing and struggling to say the words, yet they pierce my love and they hurt as I bleed guilt.

Unpeeling him from my suited body, unpeeling him from my heart, I am thrown back to the moment he yelled when they pulled him out of me and held him up over the screen.
The umbilical cord is always there.

That never breaks, although my heart does.

..if I still love him,
if I want to be the unfaithful wife and why.
If he wants me still...across the pennines.
If I satisfy the intensity of my lover and his desires.
If I will stay sane.
If I will always exude a sexy glow.
If my skin will always be beautiful.
If I will be a respectable mother at the school gates.
If I will survive and be strong.
If I will shout and fill a room with love-induced, soul-filled orgasms, that are shared and not alone.
If I will ever feel love so strongly again.
If he despises me.
If I am a disappointment to the one who listens to birds and song and is silent and I am selfish.
If I can just make it through.
If I can just be there.
If I can sort my head out.
If I can stop the tears and the self-pity.
If I can feel loved and possessed and filled deeply, sexually, passionately; if my soul can drown.